Thursday, February 22, 2007


As the world turns, Iraq burns, and mold and rats besiege our recuperating veterans at Walter Reed. What does the mainstream media of America do? Smokescreen us all by marrying politics to Hollywood, which yields a narrative union that needs to be annulled quicker than Britney’s first marriage: Poliwood.

It’s hard to determine when this all began, but I’m going with the Girls Gone Wild media bonanza from a few weeks ago. And they haven’t stopped going wild—the media, that is.

Let’s start with poor Britney Scissorhands, the media’s heroine gone vile. Not only did Britney give a bad impression of SinĂ©ad O’Connor in the early days, Britney’s now blurring fact with fiction—hey, she’s on drugs, becoming the protagonist of one of her more famous ditties, “Oops!....I did it Again.” Brit’s been going in and out of rehab quicker than the revolving door at the entryway.

But the REAL culprit of “Oops!....I did it Again” is none other than a five-deferment Sith who loves to merge fiction with fiction, but I don’t “think” he’s on drugs. In the true spirit of Oscar season, this actor has assumed the highest role in a made-for-Poliwood soap opera: the GRAND Sith . Yes, that would be our beloved Vice President, whose antics the media has conveniently downplayed.

As the Coalition of the Dwindling shrinks ever so more, the Grand Sith, get this, tried to spin the British pull-out as a good thing; doesn’t he know that this particular kind of pull-out is NOT a good thing?

The “good thing” came after, though, the Grand Sith bitch-slapped Speaker Pelosi, who actually lost her brother this week, with his tried and true: “if you disagree with me, then you are unpatriotic.” And then the Grand Diva went on to bitch slap Senator McCain, who recently bitch-slapped Don Rumsfeld. With all this D.C. bitch-slapping going-on, who the hell wants to watch prime-time, Hollywood programming, let alone reading the newspaper to learn about, oh, I don’t know: Iraq, Iran, or the Taliban?

But because Americans cannot stop for death, the media had us once again gear our attention to the unburied corpse of none other than Anna Nicole Smith with a courtroom drama that seemed like a dismaying collage of Judge Judy meets the Beverly Hillbilies. Yes, the media persuaded many Americans to shift their eyes off the court case that really matters: the Scooter Libby trial, which had made-for-Hollywood drama, as Libby’s lawyer, Theodore Wells, was almost brought to tears in his closing argument. Let’s face it: The Anna Nicole, as-I-lay-dying, Hollywood story is much more entertaining than the Scooter Libby, as I kept lying and lying, Poliwood story.

The Bonnie and Clyde redux, though, better known as the Dowd and Geffen Clinton drive-by, took the Poliwood best picture award, hands down. The story goes like this: as Hollywood greeted its newest star, Barack Obama, for a tinsel-town fund raiser that media mogul Geffen hosted, Geffen teamed-up with Dowd, to cast Hillary as the fading star, Norma Desmond in Sunset, I Don’t Like You and Your Husband Anymore. But in true empire-strikes-back fashion, team Hillary struck back and bitch-slapped team Obama, and, in turn, team Obama bitch-slapped team Hillary. And I can’t recall who got the last bitch-slap in.

So as everybody tunes into the theatrics of Poliwood, leaving the real news behind, one can’t help but wonder: haven’t we been down this yellow caked road before? Oops!...we did it again.

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