The Men's Room

The Men's Room

Without question, many of us at 1% More Conscious feel 1% more dead at the beginning of the new school year. There's simply too much to do to get ready for the arrival of those little cherubs and too much NCLB related paperwork to wade through before getting to the starting line. Nonetheless, it only takes a news cycle or two to resurrect us from our media comas.

So while the mainstream media in America was overdosing on the latest installments in the narrative of Michael Vick--they can't get enough of Mikey, Attorney General Gonzales finally goes by-by. Alas--talk about a bad case of "you're not welcomed here anymore." Iraq continues to spiral out of control albeit T.A.N.G. (Texas Air National Guard George) has recently decided to invoke the very thing he avoided his early adulthood life: Vietnam. And, viola, yet another "lewd" scandal emerges involving the ever heinously, hideously hypocritical GOP. Gotta love this "incident" in the men's room.

"Holt" the Hacking

“HOLT” THE HACKING

While some of us resisted the recent fake news of Lindsay and the Astronauts, Starzilla’s gastric bypass surgery, and the really, really big news of Nicole Skinny being four months pregnant, we’ve tried to focus our minds on the real news that remains buried beneath the bull.

Yesterday, the mainstream media gave little attention to how researches at the University of California were able to hack into three electronic voting systems just as easily as Attorney Goneliar lies about his lies. Diebold anyone? Clearly, Starzilla coming back from the tabloid dead was far more important; after all, she does look freakier than Fred Thompson.

As The New York Times reports today, Congressman Rush Holt, Democrat of New Jersey, has sponsored a bill to help eliminate the many, many problems associated with electronic voting, including the strong possibility of electronic tampering during the 2008 elections; as we all know, desperate chimpletons do desperate things. According to the Holt bill, all electronic votes cast in a federal election MUST have a paper record and RANDOM audits would be conducted for the sake of quality—non Chimpy—control. Let’s hope this bill hits the House floor for a vote to “holt” the hacking.

WEEK IN REVIEW: THE D & M FLASHBACK

THE D & M FLASHBACK

I couldn’t get that ditty out of my mind. She was a bit country. He was a bit rock-n-roll. She was a bit of Memphis and Nashville. He had a little bit of Motown in his soul.

Maybe it was the sugar overdose. Perhaps it was the toddler parent caffeine addiction so many of us feed. It could very well have been the last lap for teachers; as we crawl on our hands and knees to June, anything and everything seems like a hallucination. Nope—there was another reason for my 8-track flashback.

Like a bad K-TEL vinyl compilation of ‘70s music, it was a Donny & Marie kind of week here in good ol’ America. Hell, even King George wanted to take all of us back, including the Queen of England, to 1976, that cheery sun shine, big smile, big love era. Of course, as expected, Chimpy’s ‘70s vinyl had one too many skips, and he had to go to 1776 before he got to 1976. Can our royal f**k-up get anything right?

With HBO’s Big Love due for its second season and porn-star named Mitt Romney showing his photogenic face and sexy smile all over the place, Mormonism proved to be as hot now as it was when the Osmonds dominated the cultural landscape back in the day. Of course, thanks to Rev. Al Sharpton, who’s always good for inserting feet into mouth while making stock prices for Hypocrisy.com soar, things have got even hotter than my D & M show theme fantasy. Hey, you can’t tell me that Larry King resurrecting Marie Osmond from the Kathy Griffith D-list for insightful commentary on his show this week was a coincidence.

But don’t let The Donnie & Marie Flashback worry you: it might be a sign of good things to come. Romney’s turning on the Bush administration. Several Republican congressmen are turning on the Bush administration. The ground game in Iraq is FOREVER turning on the Bush administration, with yet another stunning report that billions in oil money have oozed into the ether. And Fredo—who sadly can’t distinguish one lie from another lately—enables countless others rightfully to turn on the Bush administration.

Mesmerized by that ditty, though, I foolishly got stuck in my daydream believing. As sky rockets were in flight amidst an afternoon delight, I experienced the ultimate artificial high: The Internets (s intended) reported that for 12 seconds, CNN international had an incorrect breaking news announcement that Bush resigned, which literally broke my high. Where is my gold dust woman when I need her?

POP QUIZ

POP QUIZ

Who seems to be the most challenged by…reality?

A. Our president for having what seems to be a renegade synaptic relapse at a speech today in Ohio, in which he randomly talked about polls, rugs, and…marriage. (he must’ve been signaling to Karl that Fredo was really f**king up.)

B. Senator John McCain for debuting his “bomb, bomb Iran” performance. (he’s still pissed at Scott Pelley—and rightfully so—for the question about his age.)

C. Alberto Gonzales for lying so badly that he made most 9th graders look good when they are bullshitting about why they don’t have their homework done. (Don’t you think he should’ve known better than to attempt to take on Senator Specter?)

D. ALL OF THE ABOVE

NOTE: This is NOT a trick question.