THE SPECTER OF NED

Yesterday, in the beltway, Joey and Johnny got together at none other than the American Enterprise Institute, the epicenter of neoconservativism, the site, I am sure, where Bill Kristol wants to be laid—no, not in that way—to rest. Still stunned by the party that disowned him, Joey must now rebound since Nancy, the liberal, and Harry, the Mormon, wrote that nasty letter to Chimpy, the asshole. “No more troops,” they’ve said, echoing everyone from Jimmy Baker to Joey Biden to the ghost of Gerald R. Ford to every General whom Chimpy—that Texas Air National Guard Specialist—has ignored. You see, when Nancy met Harry, they decided to flex some of that blue muscle and fast. But where did that muscle come from?

Joey, who disdains big blue muscle, who allegedly disdains partisan politics—because really he’s beholden to no one but himself, still insists that it’s “about people, not partisan politics”—the pathetic mantra of his senatorial campaign that does a have a kernel of truth to it: in your case, Joey, it IS about people—approximately 40,000 more troops—to send to their deaths. But where did that blue muscle come from?

Clueless in the capitol, Joey buddies up once again with Johnny after their trip to Iraq. They’ve done their ceremonial tributes to Robert Bly and male bonding, I’m sure, scratching themselves at the Imus zoo with all the goons to cheer them on. Now they must go to the Delphi of Neoconservative lunacy: the American Enterprise Institute, to respond to Nancy, the liberal, and Harry, the Mormon, and every other far out lefty who disagrees with them because everyone that disagrees with them and Chimpy are communists, lefties, Nazi sympathizers, Islamist militants, and let’s see: members of the falafel club who attempted to bring O’Shitty down. But where or where did that blue muscle come from?

Johnny turns to Joey and says, “Are you sure we’re doing the RIGHT thing, I mean the really RIGHT thing here, Joe? Because I’ve got a 2008 campaign to launch and I can’t fuck up.” Joey retorts, “Of course we are. We want to be tough. We want to be consistent. And furthermore, Karl helped me; he’s helped you. And we owe them something.” A bit perturbed, Johnny says, “I know, you’re somewhat RIGHT. But will it backfire? For Pete’s sakes, even Ford knew this wouldn’t work.” Arrogant as Captain Ahab, Joey responds, “John, we’ve got the ship under control. Don’t worry.” More than a bit perturbed, Johnny responds, “Look, Oedipus, I’ve said: I’ve got a campaign to launch. And furthermore, where the HELL did all of this blue, democrat muscle come from all of sudden?” Annoyed, stunned, angered, Joey grinds his teeth and responds, “It’s that son-of-a-bitch Lamont.”