OF VICE AND MEN

Of Vice and Men

There was a disturbance in the force this week. At first I thought it was the temperature fluctuating. Then I thought it was the anxiety that comes with those family gatherings around the holidays. I considered other possible disruptive sources, including: tax time, college acceptance/rejection/realization—you pick, or Keith Richards claiming—yes, folks—that he snorted his father’s remains while indulging in some blow; gives new meaning to “Satisfaction,” huh? Something was definitely in the air; we know IT could've been in the blow.

For me it started Monday. I woke with a migraine, called out sick to work, only to discover that Captain Lieberman, formerly Oedipus Lieberman, formerly Joseph Lieberman, formerly a Democrat, now an “independent,” ever threatening to be…a Republican, still a supporter of Chimpy, docked himself in my area—a disturbance, indeed—for a photo-op with Congressman Courtney at the Pine Point School in Stonington. Hence, I self-diagnosed why I felt like someone put a chainsaw in my head and immediately sensed that I had a “bad feeling” about all of this.

The disturbance only got better or worse—you decide. Speaking of deciding, out came the manly “decider” to castigate the Democratic-controlled congress, of which Republicans are obviously members, for going on…vacation. This is beautiful coming from a man who has spent more than a year of his presidency on…vacation. Perhaps Chimpy was fantasizing about blow before that press conference. Who knows? But the decider did seem crazier than ever; let’s wait and see if he starts frantically itching his nose.

Of course, with Fredo’s forthcoming “whack,” with The Big K getting mobbed by students at American University— for his bullshit, not for his rap gig, and with the mainstream “liberal” media doing a bitch-hunt over Speaker Pelosi’s trip to the Middle East while conveniently downplaying she was part of a delegation including Republicans and completely neglecting the Republican one there recently, Chimpy did seem off his axis with all these disturbances in his life.

Thus Darth Cheney came out of his pod to send shockwaves throughout the galaxy. And Darth didn’t disappoint. First target: Pelosi. Five Deferment Dick—a real American man—spoke to anal cyst Rush Limpfart—another man’s man—to denounce Pelosi and to suggest that the Democrats on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee were, get this, “Stalinist,” for not supporting Sam Fox, a known contributor to the now debunked Swift Boat Veterans that shamelessly went after Senator John Kerry, someone who actually DID SERVE in Vietnam. Definitely disturbing.

But Darth Dick’s craziness didn’t stop there; was he, too, having blow-like fantasies? Next target: the American public. Darth went on to claim, once again, that there were links between Iraq and Al-Qaeda that we all now know were bogus. Cheney’s blatant posturing prefaced yet another man’s crusade to prove that he’s a man’s man: porn-star named Mitt Romney tried to convince us—and the conservative Ted Nugent base—that he’s a real hunter, a hardcore “rabbit” gunslinger who just proudly joined the NRA…last year. Come away from the dark side of the force, Mitt: didn’t you read the headlines that you outperformed your Republican challengers in fundraising?

In this fake era overpopulated with fake men over-determined to validate their fake manliness, when an aging rock star’s initial claim (possibly a fake one) that he snorted his father’s ashes along with cocaine seems more real and oddly genuine, America, we don’t have a disturbance, we have a serious problem.