Daddy Fight & '08

Daddy Fight & ‘08

Like the angry father who can’t or won’t admit that a younger man will eventually replace him, John McOedipus exhibited nothing but disdain and disregard toward Barack Obama during Friday’s debate.  It was stunning and pathetically obvious from the initial handshake that McCain thought:  “how dare HE be on this stage with ME!”  Furthermore, it was horrifically reminiscent of the early debates between Judas Joe Lieberman and Ned Lamont in the summer ’06, as grumpy Joe, then Oedipus Lieberman, adopted the hubris that afflicts so many tragic figures.  Perhaps McCain should spend less time with narcissistic Joe and more time with dignified Republicans like Richard Lugar to treat his current psychological disorder.  In the cults of personality and orbits of psycho-dynamics, there is a personality factor here that’s quite legible even to the most naïve of eyes.  And no one likes a b@stard of a father. 

But this Freudian family subtext extends way beyond McCain.  Just look at the pundit class, who can’t or won’t admit that Obama won because he had the right temperament and gravitas that Americans unequivocally desire in our leaders.  Hell, it’s obvious that Obama was the winner in poll after poll.  But despite that, the pundit class, like a group of obnoxious sons and daughters in one, f*cked-up, dysfunctional family, SO want a daddy fight in a major way. 

It was laughable to read mean-girl Maureen Dowd—who STILL has Catholic gossip-girl cafeteria disorder—on Sunday again miss the mark in her dreadful analogy to a A Few Good Men.  Mika Brzezinski, whom I normally like, followed this morning on Morning Smoe claiming that Obama should’ve and could’ve been meaner.  Et tu, Mika? 

We DEFINITELY need therapy for this Freudian family disorder, and maybe when Chimpy, who has HUGE daddy-issues that will be on full display in Oliver Stone’s W., leaves office we will alas be free from this mass political psychosis.  

Deal or No Deal

Deal or No Deal

“Mission Accomplished” George W. Bush will appear on an episode of NBC’s game show Deal or No Deal tomorrow night. Apparently, he’s honoring a veteran from Iraq, W.’s “no deal” of a fiasco. Hey, at least the costs of the war—deliberately kept out of the media spotlight—are alas receiving mass prime time coverage if only in a cameo moment. Too bad, though, that W. didn’t honor all of our Iraq Veterans—fallen and alive—more often, more seriously, rather than be so obvious to select the best Nielsen ratings publicity op available.

Boy blunder and his party stay true to form, though, making deals, re-shaping reality, and bilking the American public to suit their needs. And truth be told, they are pretty good at what they do: with Gas prices soaring, home mortgages foreclosing, spending power diminishing, the market yo-yoing, jobs terminating, Iraq burning, local municipal budgets shrinking, in a year when it would seem that the planets are aligned for the Democrats to take the White House, the Republicans are well positioned for Bush Term 3, with sold-his-soul McCain, a deal most Americans can’t afford.

But let’s face it: Part of this deal involves the internecine warfare in the Democratic Party. On one side there’s Clinton—amorphous lady hate who NOW casts her self as shot drinking, Crown Royale-ing, gun-slinging Scranton girl. On the other side there’s Obama—an elitist, non-patriot, 60s radical, non-wearing flag pin snob.  The least said about these false characterizations, the better.  

Divided and framed by the MSM, they and the party still stand…for now. But the question remains: can either one of them stand against McCain in the general, now that McCain has pricked his finger in blood rites with Grover Norquist, almost every agent of intolerance on the right whom McCain once disdained, the MSM goons—just take a look at Frank Rich’s column today, and a shadowy, quickly organizing attack-group resembling a Swiftboat junta for ‘08? A year to six months ago, the answer to this question would be yes. But as the Republicans do what they do best, as Clinton and Obama duke it out, as the MSM echo chamber continues emphasizing the unimportant while de-emphasizing the all-too-important, as the talking heads, led by Tweety Matthews et al, continue their “bromance” with McCain, chances are that what would be a “no deal” Bush Term 3 unfortunately might be the consolation “deal” we will have to accept.

Exits & No Exits

Exits & No Exits

The media narrative this week has been “exits,” especially on exiting the race for ’08. But the one exit that matters most—from Iraq—has been yet again pushed to the narrative background along with the fraud surrounding the Afghanistan arms contract, which once again smacks of the Bush administration’s inept management of the wars they wage—you know, the ones that bomb, bomb McCainy supports.

Instead of the Iraq War, which just hit its 5 year mark, or Bush being the main character in the media exit novella, Hillary has been cast in that role and what a prima donna she’s become. The sad part about this opera is that it seems like it’s going to end like all operas end, in tragedy. I can almost hear the sounds of Puccini’s Madame Butterfly.

There’s no question at this point: Hillary should go, not just for the party’s sake but also for her political future. The math is not on her side; the momentum is not on her side; the media is certainly not on her side—the least said about the latest lecture from the Dolores Umbridge of the right wing, Smeggy Noonan, the better; and the primary electorate is not on her side.

More importantly, in a strange way, Hillary’s campaign has NOT been on her side: Fumble after fumble, mistake after mistake, misstatement after “misspoke,” even with the few but well-publicized fumbles in the Obama campaign that perhaps could’ve worked to their advantage, the Clinton campaign has been disastrous with media-emergency management. They sadly resemble “heckuva job” Brownie—sorry. It’s been a dismaying collage of a whole lot of money, a whole lot of bravado for a whole lot of incompetence.

It’s interesting that a subtext to the media exit narrative has been Hillary’s contingency plans, if and when she decides to exit the race. Governor of New York? Senate Majority leader? On Friday evening’s Countdown and in the blogosphere, this story took hold. And what’s even more interesting, as Johnathan Alter mentioned on Countdown, there’s even been chatter about Obama’s contingency plan, should he become the nominee and lose to bomb, bomb McCainy, a media lover-boy whose many misstatements and frightening fumbles, along with the Iraq war, lurk in the media background as Hillary and Barack are on center stage.

Geeze. If only the media shifted its attention from whether or not Hillary would exit, who is urging her to exit—granted, she should go, what she will and could do when she exits, what Barack might do should he lose the general and exit the senate...to an exit from Iraq—given that now over 4,000 American lives have been sacrificed, maybe we could seriously think about what needs to be done once George W. Bush thankfully exits from a job he should have never had in the first place.

Dividing & Diverting

Dividing & Diverting

On this week’s edition of the mainstream media narrative, we find one of their more tried and true numbers: dividing and diverting. Last week, we had everybody and their grandmother going to confession; this time around, we have everyone dividing…and the mainstream media diverting us from the real news that matters most.

It began late last week. Extra! Extra!—everyone get diverted by it: “Barack did this MLK event here, while Hill had to save face and do her MLK event there.” “Hillary’s losing the black vote.” “Barack’s alienating whites.” “It’s all about race and gender.” “It’s all about Bill (we like u, but would you PUHLEEZE shut up!)” “Dems. are divided here; they are divided there; they are divided everywhere.”

Tensions grew more heated in Monday’s debate. Hillary and Barack were trying to channel their inner “Hit Me with Your Best Shot:” Barack showed Hillary that he was a “real tough cookie” by mentioning her time with Walmart; Hill put another “notch in her lipstick case” by claiming that Barack once represented a slum lord. So as Hill and Barry went into death-match mode with John Edwards as the only real victor, the mainstream media had set its story no sooner than the debate ended: the Dems. are d-i-v-i-d-e-d. And what’s worse, both the Clinton and Obama campaigns blindly followed in sync with one scud attack after another. The latest word is that yet another truce has been reached.

MEANWHILE, on the other side of the moon—they clearly don’t know what to do or whom to choose. Adrift with Huck Finn, Slick Mick, Nosferatu Giuliani and Rising McCain, the Republicans are far more divided than the Dems. And yet had the media focused on what the republican candidates didn’t do to commemorate MLK’s memory and/or to court minority voters, maybe we could’ve had a fair and balanced discussion on race. Had the media put more emphasis on the 935 lies the Bush administration told about Iraq rather than the half-truths and untruths of Billary and Barack, maybe we could’ve focused more on the war. Had the media greatly publicized the 720 million dollar a day cost of the Iraq war, maybe we could focus less on Hillary’s and Barack’s positions and more on Bush’s bad decisions. Had the media not put the dividing democrat narrative in the foreground, maybe more people wouldn’t have been diverted from the troubling news about the Gaza strip that stays in the background. Should the Democratic Party and its candidates become more focused on taking the White House, they will hopefully shift the focus from these inflated divisions in the party to the many divisions George W. Bush and his party have caused for the last seven years.

Permanent Presence

Permanent Presence

While we all adjust to the transition from Thanksgiving to the really big holidays; while those of us in the 35+ crowd realize that our fat cells are multiplying and dividing at incrementally rapid rates, with each passing year and every passing holiday food fest; while I resurrect from my minimally conscious state to blog myself into ’08—hold my feet— I’m back, Chimpy does what? Yeah, you got it: he formally announces that we will be in Iraq for f*cking ever. G-r-e-a-t.

I should’ve known this was coming: Yesterday, on This Week, George Pill and Smokie Roberts discussed “permanent presence” with such nonchalance, one would think they were discussing golf balls.

Perhaps “mission-accomplished” George had bad turkey. Maybe it was the stuffing. Perhaps WMD George was stunned by conveniently encountering Al Gore yet again, this time to honor the former vice president as a newly crowned Nobel Prize winner. You see, truly talented people will find ways to achieve on their own merit regardless of the cheaters in the class. Perhaps this “permanent presence” won’t be as bad as it seems once Georgey permanently leaves the White House; let's hope.

Dark Clouds

Dark Clouds

Yet another dark cloud looms over George Bush & the neoconservatives’ saga of disaster known as Iraq. This black cloud, appropriately known as Blackwater, has been in the news a lot lately. To get caught-up, you may want to check out this week’s The Nation or the latest entries at The Divided States Of bu$hmeriKa 2.

The involvement of Blackwater, a “private” security firm that has an official contract with the State Department, in Iraq paints a dismaying portrait of war profiteering, raises questions about the large presence of private contractors working side-by-side with U.S. military personnel, and hints yet again that something’s real rotten in corporate Bushworld.

But like all dark, foreboding clouds, Blackwater will most likely pass by most of us Americans with little to no fuss.

Foreground & Background

Foreground & Background

Everyone—left, right, and center—are once again fixating on the Clintons. I can’t say I blame them entirely since Hillary blitz-krieged the Sunday morning shows last week and Billy did a lap dance or two today with George Stephanopoulos and Tim Russert. From last Sunday to this Sunday, it’s been a mainstream media, Clinton bookend bonanza. Extra, extra: Will Barack slam Hillary? Will Hillary slam Barack? Can Johnny be as tough as his wife on Hill? Will GQ remain emasculated or grow a pair to run that piece on Billary? NO WAY!: Rudy “call me” Giuliani will predicate his campaign on the ASSumption that he can beat Hillary? Wow, there’s a shocker.

Even in today’s New York Times, both Frank Rich, whose columns I savor, and mean girl Maureen Dowd, whose columns, as of late, tend to make me and several people I know sick, focus on none other than Hillary. It’s not that I mind the criticisms of the Clintons, or of Hillary, in particular. Quite frankly, many of them are fair and accurate—and not in a Fox fiction sort of way. It just amazes me how much the Clinton narrative, to borrow the rhetoric of Frank Rich, dominates the mainstream media foreground and all other narratives are assigned to the background, or better yet, to the media hinterland. Even Ahmadinejad’s crazy cameo—and even crazier claim of no gays in Iran—at Columbia had a short shelf life in the big, mainstream media scheme of things.

Meanwhile, in the media background more of our soldiers continue to die in Iraq and it seems that NO ONE—Democrat or Republican—has a lucid plan to get us the f**k out. Who knows what the deal is with the possibility of going to war with Iran? There continues to be “no-shows” of Republican candidates at minority-sponsored debates, although this IS the party of the BIG TENT—only if you’re white. Children in need might NOT get appropriate insurance because George W. Bush says that there’s a better way; remember: he’s the dude that insisted there WERE weapons of mass destruction. And who the heck knows what Condi’s up to; maybe she’s having more surgery finally to close that gap between her front teeth.

The bigger gap that concerns me is the enormous difference between the media foreground and background, between the OJ resurgence and the Iraq insurgence, between what’s over-emphasized and what barely registers as a blip, between the over-saturation of fake news and the drowning of real news…that should be “fit” to print.

NOT IT!

NOT IT!

As I told the master of wit in the blogoshpere, the ever-sharp Jollyroger, George W. Bush decisively wins at playing “NOT IT!” this week. I was just waiting for W. to stick his forefinger on his nose and do a dance. But George wasn’t the only contestant on NOT IT! There were several, and considering that some of these folks are heavy-weights in American culture—poor Britney was just a tad heavier than anorexia America wanted, George DID, in fact, legitimately dominate at “NOT IT!” The least said about the 2000 election the better.

We all know that T.A.N.G (that’s Texas Air National Guard) George has a string of victories at NOT IT! Let's not forget that George got jiggy with NOT IT! in the ‘60s to dodge Vietnam. So avoiding responsibility comes natural to him. But I certainly didn’t expect George to announce NOT IT! on Thursday night when he basically declared that his replacement will have to deal with HIS mess in Iraq. Stunning, I know. But yet again, his biggest accomplice, the mainstream media, also reigned victorious at NOT IT! for NOT emphasizing this simple, obvious fact. They've sought solace in the latest O.J. episode.

We should’ve known that NOT IT! would be the latest 15 minute, American fad, for last Sunday Britney Scissorhands won at NOT IT! in her alleged comeback performance. This zeitgeist fever oozed into Monday and Tuesday when General Petraeus basically said NOT IT! to Senator John Warner—a Republican, no doubt—to Warner’s question about whether or not the General’s plans in Iraq would make America safer. Petraeus’s reply: “Sir, I don’t know actually!” Bingo: NOT IT!

However, the players to watch at NOT IT!, as Paul Krugman brilliantly pointed out in his Friday column, “A Surge, and Then A Stab,” are Bush’s business associates, namely his oil friends who seem to know that the surge is NOT working, that the Iraq war will NOT yield success, that things will NOT get better, and that the NOT IT! foreign policy of the Bush administration has NOT been good, to say the least.

And the Winner Is...

And the Winner Is…

As America eagerly awaits Britney Scissorhands’ opening act on the Video Music Awards tonight, as much of America longs to see who’s wearing what on the red carpet, as those of us striving to be 1% more conscious marvel at how George W. Bush will sparknote the General David Petraeus report, Osama Bin Laden clearly wins best performance in a video this year. How timely a release, right before the VMA’s themselves—is MTV losing its touch?; right before the 9/11 anniversary; right before the latest chapter of the neocon’s long day’s journey into Iraq.

Long ago Marshal McLuhan said it best: The Medium is the Massage. Fictions become facts, facts become doublespoke and ignored, and what matters most is perception management—the new “opium of the masses.” Our media continues to let the spin rip with more than two “turn tables and a microphone,” to tiptoe around surge supporters, and to indulge in the American Dream of everything is a-O.K.—don’t worry, be happy ☺. Just ask Britney or Osama for goodness sake—simply get extensions or die your beard to get your groove back.

And that’s exactly what we will witness in politics this week, as Frank Rich noted in yet another brilliant column today, “As the Iraqis Stand Down, We’ll Stand Up.” According to Rich, brace yourself for the 2002 play-book, the build-up-to-the-war plan, when you hear the words: “Anbar,” “bottom up,” “decrease in violence,” and “success.” Lo and behold, Senator John McCain stuck to the script in his interview with George Stephanopoulos this morning on This Week. Now I think McCain's performance in “Bomb, bomb Iran” should get an honorable mention.

But fear not, folks: I STILL WANT my MTV! And so should you.

Back to School Shock

BACK TO SCHOOL SHOCK

We’ve all been traumatized in one way or another by the back to school season—or more appropriately, the back to school shock. For us educators and our students, the unstructured days of summer are gone for two semesters or approximately 180 days. Now it’s up early, out the door only to multi-task our way through today’s episode of “beat the clock.”

But we are not the only ones experiencing shock. George W. Bush has also shown some quasi back-to-school trauma. Because as all of his fellow cheerleaders continue to jump off his Titantic better known as Iraq, George continues to steer his ship down the abyss of no return. Stunned by the fact that they don’t sell Sparknotes for his…ah…David Petraeus’s anticipated report on Iraq due to Congress by September 15th, George still believes that photo-ops, empty words, and recycled spin can save him from his pending failing grades. Sorry—but dispatching Scary Mary Matalin to Meet the Press on Sunday to begin spinning his failures doesn’t help. Poor Mary—she does fit the bill for the dreaded “helicopter” Mom, hovering over her pathetic child, making any failure of his seem not that bad.

But the sad fact of the matter is that George never prepared for his Iraq project; “project-based” assignments are all the rage in public education nowadays. He never did study enough; he and his tutor—Mr. Cheney—never did make the right preparations before, during, and after their invasion; and instead of just ponying-up to the fact that he was in desperate need of remedial help in the Geopolitics of the Middle East, arrogant George simply took the attitude that many apathetic students take when they “imagine” they have finished their work. Like the student who says, "at least it's over," George simply said: "mission accomplished. "

Fuzziness

FUZZINESS

Though not new, it’s certainly a PR strategy that’s been in the news—for lack of a better term—lately: in America, if you don’t like the truth or anything closely resembling the truth, revise and edit to make things fuzzy. Take a look at corporate America’s latest “fuzzing” of Wikipedia; if they don’t like something, they fuzzy it. Very Orwellian—yes, but I think it's more simple than that because many of the fuzzies haven’t read Orwell. Sorry. Remember: our President’s mantra in 2000 was “fuzzy numbers”; one never knew that that also meant “fuzzy realities.”

Invoking the name of General David Petraeus in the last few weeks as if he were banging his chest at a keg party, Bush has sought refuge in the General’s overseeing of the “surge”—really an escalation—and his forthcoming report on September 15th. Yet, this week we learn that Petraeus WILL not write the forthcoming report; it will be written by—frightening, I know—George. Bush and this team—I’m sure—will revise and edit whatever Petraeus reports; folks, any high schooler well-versed in cheating, lying, editing and revising knows that this is NOT a good thing.

Even Thomas Friedman, who makes me frequently “invoke” my impression of Linda Blair in The Exorcist, knows this is not a good thing. One might think that Friedman would have his pom-poms in a stir for this fuzzy Petraeus report, but no. In today’s column, Tom says it best:

Had the surge happened in 2003, when it should have, it might
have prevented the kindling of all of Iraq’s sectarian passions.
But now that those fires have been set, trying to unify Iraq feels
like doing carpentry on a burning house.

Nothing fuzzy ‘bout that. Love the “burning house” metaphor, Tom. So as Iraq burns and our soldiers yearn to get out, George W. Bush and much of his media continue to smokescreen the American public yet again by “fuzzying” reality to obscure the truth.

ADDENDUM: Please check out this post at Drinking Liberally for a more thorough overview of some of the fuzziness going on.

Kiss of Death

KISS OF DEATH

Before President Bush went on yet another vacation, he gave a press conference yesterday that was rather telling.

Amidst more insanity and a stubborn refusal to acknowledge reality, President Bush was candid in this press conference about the rationale for the Iraq invasion and the Neocon philosophy in a nutshell. In short, Bush admitted that by invading and occupying Iraq, he and the Neocon loons hoped to change the conditions in the Middle East to prevent radical, Islamist fundamentalism, which tends to have an association with terrorism, from spreading; hence, the Bush/Neocon battle-cry “Democracy is on the March.” Even Chris Matthews picked up on Bush’s admission on last night’s edition of Furball.

But the fates and irony have no mercy for George W. Bush, just as they have no mercy for any tragic character. Albeit many of us know about the shady history of American-backed governments in the Middle East, The New York Times reports today that now more so than ever any direct or implicit backing by America or the Bush administration of a group/political party/faction/country in the Middle East is akin to a kiss of death. Check out Hassan M. Fattah’s “U.S. Promotes Free Elections, Only to See Allies Lose” to see why the battle-cry "Democracy is on the March" is nothing more than bad lip service.

Scary Things

Scary Things

We should’ve known. After all, the summer blockbuster season is upon us. The last installment in the Harry Potter epic will be out on Saturday. And Hey Paula seems to be the reality TV hit of the season. Of course, the Chimpy political machine must make its presence known.

The resurrection of The Prince of Darkness, Bob Novak, should’ve clued us in. With Darth Novak’s ceremonious return from a self-induced witness protection gig from the Plame headline, we have the latest wave of Chimpy & Co.’s reign of terror. We should all listen to our gut feelings about what this means.

What’s different with this wave, though, is that the Chimpy Storytelling department shows a real sloppiness with their use of fear, and, alas, it may be finally backfiring on them. Let’s start with the epicenter of much terror, Iraq, where real terrorism seems to be multiplying faster than American Idol goes into more syndication. Dispatching fear queen, counterterrorism adviser Frances Townsend, the administration invoked al-Qaida this week as much as Bravo TV has been promoting Hey Paula. Poor Paula: now she has to compete with Osama-Not-Been-Found for ratings. The subtext of what Townsend broadcast to us—to no surprise—is that the same group the administration claims to have reduced and restricted in its war on terror is stronger than ever. There’s a shocker. However, somebody in the storytelling department didn’t get the story right and may need a refresher of Abul’s “Straight Up.” Because now, in so many words, they are admitting that al-Qaida may come here because we aren’t containing them over there—yet another indication that things in Iraq aren’t as good as pajama-party boy Captain Lieberman and company would like you to think.

The Townsend episode din’t get the fear traction Chimpy wanted, even with the MSM downplaying the Democratic initiated all-nighter on Iraq in the Senate as mere “political theater.” For one would only have to read beyond the Townsend narrative to learn that others in Chimpy’s corner are struggling with assessing Iraq as nice and cute like Paula assesses a tone-deaf contestant on American Idol. For example today, Ambassador to Iraq, Ryan Crocker, gave a rather grim assessment of things to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, attempting to move the goal posts yet again. Crocker did mention, though, that “fear” pervades Iraq in all aspects, which must’ve made the Chimper proud.

Also riding the fear wave to make Chimpy proud was none other than porn-star-named Mitt Romney. Rather than tackle Iraq, a real scary thing, slick Mitt attacked Barack Obama who stated that kindergarten students ought to be taught the difference between a good touch and a bad touch in an effort to protect them from pedophiles. Jumping on his surfboard to ride the fear wave of the reactionary right, slick Mitt—who approved of age appropriate sex education as governor—made age appropriate instruction for small children to protect them from scary people...the scariest thing of all.

Report Card Iraq: The D- Average

Report Card Iraq: The D- Average

We all know that grade inflation plagues the American education system, from top to bottom. Yes, folks, they inflate grades and student progress everywhere from the hallowed halls of Yale to the colorful romper-rooms of a kindergarten near you. This is why it has come to no surprise that the Bush administration is obviously inflating the “grades” on the progress report in Iraq.

As a trained secondary and college level educator, let me break it down for you: the report claims that 8 benchmarks have been assessed with a “satisfactory” mark; 8 benchmarks have been met with an “unsatisfactory” mark; and 2 benchmarks have been marked with a mix—whatever the hell that exactly means—of “satisfactory” and “unsatisfactory” assessment. Reminder: these marks are NOT on our troops and their incredible performance, dedication, and endurance. No—these marks are on the American-backed government. And folks, they aren’t good. It’s real simple: if you have 8 passing marks + 8 failing marks + 2 mixed marks that equals at BEST a D- average. We all know what a D- average means in grade inflated America: a glorified failure.

POST SCRIPT: The Los Angeles Times reports that the grade is more like a 50. Grade inflation--I know, I know...I'm guilty as charged.

Imagine

IMAGINE

Geeze, what’s with all the temper tantrums lately? I mean, I kind of expect it from ol’ Chimpy; his facial expressions as of late look like a lolli-poopy fell out of his diaper or something. But now his entire posse seems to be reverting to their toddler years, holding their breaths, refusing to talk, mimicking—nah, nah, nana nah the free press, turning blue in the face, or kicking and screaming on the floor just to piss everybody off.

Chimpy, whom I’m convinced has yet to advance developmentally beyond a six year old, still believes he’s right and the world’s wrong with respect to his Iraq policy. Just listen to his recent speeches, which amount to a Freudian re-enactment of a child stuck in a negative attention-getting narcissism stage. One would think by now Chimpy would break free from his failed vision, but NO, NO, NO!

Of course bomb, bomb McCainy doesn’t help. He took to the senate floor today to rip apart a New York Times editorial. Man, short of pissing on the paper itself, McCain seemed like he was ready to stick his thumbs in his ears, stick out his tongue, and scream “f*ck you” to anyone who’d listen. Dirty Harry Miers had her temper tantrum in absentia. Taking a cue from her playgroup husband, Chimpy, she refused to testify under subpoena in front of the House Judiciary Committee.

And the White House, as a collective, colicky unit, had its tantrum du jour by trying to block—yeah—the bipartisan Iraq Study Group from meeting to find a solution to this war. Imagine that: imagine a group of bi-partisan adults coming together, examining and debating the war in an attempt to try to find a better way to deal with it AND GET OUR TROOPS OUT. Hey, call me dreamer but I know I’m not the only one.

FANTASY ISLAND

FANTASY ISLAND

I don’t get us Americans. Sometimes I really think that we hallucinate in “fantasy island,” wallowing in our delusions, resisting reality, foolishly waiting for “the plane, the plane” to come to our shores. Newsflash: that rescue mission ain’t happening. Our symbolic “plane” comes courtesy of the mainstream media—and it’s by no means a rescue, giving new meaning to a crash landing when reality is concerned. Wherefore art thou, Hervé Villechaize?

Now that the American-backed government in Iraq has failed yet again on yet another report card, the mainstream media yet again seems beside itself because the Bush administration and its apologists, whom the media has enabled for so long, are beside themselves. Fantasy dysfunction, perhaps? Regardless of the old guard GOP defections—Lugar, Domenici, and Alexander—the media perpetuates its Fantasy Island myth—things are OK; the economy is good; the death toll in Iraq is grossly exaggerated; and it’s all the fault of the liberals and their media. Ricardo, Ricardo, wherefore art thou Senor Montalban?

Fantasy Island, though, endures other intrusions on its shores that take shape in the form of scandals. The scandal-tide grows so high and so frequently—and so f**king smelly—that we have all we can do to keep our heads above water. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that few Americans truly know about Scooter Libby and his fantasy—and Mary Matalin’s—that he had memory failure. A small scandal in the big scandal of things: Iraq persists as a mega-scandal; the justice department scandal is like a bad permutation of “Days of Our Lies;” and the DC madam sex scandal—for Senator David Vitter especially—is basic low-grade porn. Fantasy overload? Maybe. More like fantasy replacement because Americans prefer other realities that are much more attractive—Girls Gone Wild fantasies, the fantasies on the big screen, the fantasies of television, Hollywood, and the entertainment industry. These fantasies are THE fantasies that keep us content, that keep us more-focused in a less-focused way, that keep us LOST in daydream believing about, you know, homecoming queens.

Week in Rear View: Cell Block America

Week in Rear View: Cell Block America

Jail has been, well, “hot” this week. And if you can’t recognize how hot it's been, then you may, in fact, be leading a simple life.

Where does one begin? Fake or real? Real or fake? No, silly, I’m not talking about Pam Anderson or those chee-chee mamas in The Girls Next Door. I’m talking about the current state of our mainstream media, which loves to keep the “real” on the DL to transport us to a different world overpopulated by Paris, Lindsay, and others in a Nation Gone Wild.

The fake news is that Paris Hilton went to jail, only to be released temporarily for some reported, get this, “medical reasons”—my ass, and then put back into jail for the remainder of her sentence. The real news is that I. Scooter Libby, part of the Neocon death squad, a cheerleader for the war/mess in Iraq, received a 2 ½ year jail sentence this week for basically outing a top cover CIA agent—her name would be Valerie Plame—and for obstructing justice—Scooter’s game would be covering for Dick, our Vice President.

Paris knocked the shit of Scooter in our steroid-induced news cycle; quite frankly, Paris does look better than a WASPy, old prune. Regardless of Paris’s good looks or her intriguing SHEnanigans, there are now over 3,500 dead in Iraq and even more political casualties at home; General Peter Pace is the latest to join the body pile-up of the Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, prison-obsessed foreign policy of Bush/Cheney. Which brings me to my larger point: in our Dick Wolf, Law & Order, CSI, COPS, Prison Break culture, why is it that most Americans are trapped in a cell block of mis/dis—information?

WEEK IN REVIEW: THE D & M FLASHBACK

THE D & M FLASHBACK

I couldn’t get that ditty out of my mind. She was a bit country. He was a bit rock-n-roll. She was a bit of Memphis and Nashville. He had a little bit of Motown in his soul.

Maybe it was the sugar overdose. Perhaps it was the toddler parent caffeine addiction so many of us feed. It could very well have been the last lap for teachers; as we crawl on our hands and knees to June, anything and everything seems like a hallucination. Nope—there was another reason for my 8-track flashback.

Like a bad K-TEL vinyl compilation of ‘70s music, it was a Donny & Marie kind of week here in good ol’ America. Hell, even King George wanted to take all of us back, including the Queen of England, to 1976, that cheery sun shine, big smile, big love era. Of course, as expected, Chimpy’s ‘70s vinyl had one too many skips, and he had to go to 1776 before he got to 1976. Can our royal f**k-up get anything right?

With HBO’s Big Love due for its second season and porn-star named Mitt Romney showing his photogenic face and sexy smile all over the place, Mormonism proved to be as hot now as it was when the Osmonds dominated the cultural landscape back in the day. Of course, thanks to Rev. Al Sharpton, who’s always good for inserting feet into mouth while making stock prices for Hypocrisy.com soar, things have got even hotter than my D & M show theme fantasy. Hey, you can’t tell me that Larry King resurrecting Marie Osmond from the Kathy Griffith D-list for insightful commentary on his show this week was a coincidence.

But don’t let The Donnie & Marie Flashback worry you: it might be a sign of good things to come. Romney’s turning on the Bush administration. Several Republican congressmen are turning on the Bush administration. The ground game in Iraq is FOREVER turning on the Bush administration, with yet another stunning report that billions in oil money have oozed into the ether. And Fredo—who sadly can’t distinguish one lie from another lately—enables countless others rightfully to turn on the Bush administration.

Mesmerized by that ditty, though, I foolishly got stuck in my daydream believing. As sky rockets were in flight amidst an afternoon delight, I experienced the ultimate artificial high: The Internets (s intended) reported that for 12 seconds, CNN international had an incorrect breaking news announcement that Bush resigned, which literally broke my high. Where is my gold dust woman when I need her?

WORKING OUT THE CONVENIENCE OF IGNORING

WORKING OUT THE CONVENIENCE OF IGNORING

Maureen, Maureen, MAUREEN. In a week in which America endured the Virginia Tech. tragedy—and continues to endure other on-going tragedies, like, oh, Iraq, the Bush administration’s dictorial-freak yearnings for a unitarian executive, and the eroding rights of women and of countless others thanks to the Judicial Branch & Fredo’s [In]Justice Department, Maureen Dowd focuses on what?: the hair cut of John Edwards. That-a-girl!

OD-ing on Bravo TV—not that there’s anything wrong with that—love Work Out, Mo—who seems to like Blow Out—uses today’s column to focus on the Edwards’ hairdo misstep as a platform to criticize the exorbitant spending and fundraising of the 2008 presidential contenders. Mo is right: John, you sexy beast, get with us working class folk: economize and spend less on the hair.

Mo is also wrong: After taking a pass of convenience on the Imus story probably for fear of being called a sissy or worse by a**holes like Bernard McGuirk or the I-man’s replacement, Mr. Cleanly Tolerant, Michael Smerconish, who foolishly banged on his chest at the huffingpost with his—I’m-in-touch-with-my-white,-male-know-it-all-self-so-that-allows-me-to-displace-my-white-male-fear-and-hurl-insults-like-sissy-at-everyone, Mo and her MSM friends seem to be running scared. Conveniently ignoring and not effectively questioning major domestic and foreign crises exploding all over home and abroad that deserve more attention, more scrutiny, and for Pat Roberts’s sake, more satire, the mainstream media shifts its focus to what it prefers best: fake news.

Perhaps Dowd and her ilk were hypnotized by McCain, the crooner, and his rendition of “bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran,” which might explain why they’ve been lured away from real news to the who-gives-a-poop news of blaming rap music for everything, Baldwin versus Basinger, and, yes, Edwards’ hair. But even bad singing has lost its appeal; alas, Sanjaya was voted off American Idol, and, interestingly, McCain’s performance was taken off YouTube. Are we turning a corner? Probably not. So instead of taking cues from Bravo TV’s reality shows on hair, Mo, you and your friends may want to check out Work Out, a show about a likeable, fearless woman, who fearlessly started her own fitness business, who fearlessly and thankfully shares with us her “alternative” lifestyle, and who shows that sometimes “cleanly tolerant,” sissy-calling wo/men are simply not necessary.

POP QUIZ

POP QUIZ

Who seems to be the most challenged by…reality?

A. Our president for having what seems to be a renegade synaptic relapse at a speech today in Ohio, in which he randomly talked about polls, rugs, and…marriage. (he must’ve been signaling to Karl that Fredo was really f**king up.)

B. Senator John McCain for debuting his “bomb, bomb Iran” performance. (he’s still pissed at Scott Pelley—and rightfully so—for the question about his age.)

C. Alberto Gonzales for lying so badly that he made most 9th graders look good when they are bullshitting about why they don’t have their homework done. (Don’t you think he should’ve known better than to attempt to take on Senator Specter?)

D. ALL OF THE ABOVE

NOTE: This is NOT a trick question.